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Why some partners flirt in marriage



From time immemorial, men are specifically known for their polygamous nature; starting from Abraham, Judah, David to Solomon. These men  married more than one wife with lots of concubines just to satisfy their sexual urges. Even though the New Testament of the Bible encourages that marriage should be between ‘one man and one woman’, the case is different as men both married and unmarried ones find it pleasurable flirting while in marriage.

  Nevertheless, the attitude have become so bad that women oftentimes cry out their eyeballs, wondering why it should be so.

  Imagine a woman being thrown out her matrimonial home only because she has been welcoming a young lady of about 17 years old who came from a very poor family and needed help. Somehow, the girl became a regular visitor and part of the family. One day, the said lady came as usual for the woman’s assistance but did not border to leave to their house as at when due being a young girl. She was busy watching movies until it was 11:00pm.The woman became furious, and uncomfortable, that she had no choice than to persuade her to go. But the girl boldly refused. The woman went to her husband who was in his bedroom to complain or seek for his advice on what to do. But to her greatest surprise, she received a slap from her husband for bordering him with such. She was dragged and chased out of the house that very night not knowing that her husband usually have affairs with the said lady.  This some how, has been experienced by other married women around.

Reacting on the issue, Revd Samuel Osondu, a clergyman, spoke on what marriage is and some factors that can make a man flirt. “You must understand what marriage is all about first before going into it. Marriage is designed for purity. God designed it in such a way that a man and a woman will come together as one to enjoy each other. I mean for those who deemed to. But unfortunately, what we see today in most marriages is the reverse. Many go into the union just to answer name. While others engage themselves to prove to their fellows that they have arrived living the basic purpose of marriage behind and without knowing fully well what it entails to be married. And that is why the church made it a must for couples to be undergoing marriage course. Has it been that the both understood much what the term stands for, the story of flirting will not be coming up.

  “So, coming to the reasons, it varies. It is not the reason for Mr ‘A’ to ‘B’. And it is not also the reason for Mrs ‘A’ to Mrs ‘B’. Or don’t you know that women flirt too? But whichever one, it is ungodly. We see and hear a lot while counseling couples. You  see different cases. Today, you see them taking vow, tomorrow one of the two will say ,I want to back out because I have seen that the marriage is a mistake. I don’t want to continue with it again”.

  “It is always good to have it in mind that “the bond of marriage gives  the support to defeat temptation by engaging in deep, satisfying love; a love that gives to, and receives from their mates physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And when such love and affection disappears, flirting comes in.

  “Somehow the terms “husband” and “wife” add so much more pressure than what we see or experience in most relationships prior to the marriage. Often times, without realising it, they forget about the friendship that was formed during their dating process and get so far away from it after the nuptials.      Couples must maintain marriage with friendship at the forefront and learn to be able to communicate with each other from a friend perspective without always being so easily offended”, he advised.

Rev. Osondu further identified that inability to truly forgive one another when faced with conflict is another delicate issue that can keep men away from their homes and wife. “You know women, they hardly forgive particularly when they discover that the man has in one way or the other gone astray or must have committed one offence. They will always believe that since he has done it, he will never change. That is totally wrong. True forgiveness is when you are able to treat each other as if the offense never happened before.

“Another reason is frustration in the marriage due to pressure from within and outside. It keeps a man wandering if this is really what he bargained for. And sometimes, the nature of their work contributes. When one works in a place where he or she hardly have time for the family, it interferes with his or her ability to maintain a committed relationship. Less often, the betrayal doesn’t value monogamy, lacks empathy, or simply doesn’t care about the consequences. And he moves out to get someone to satisfy his sexual urge; though that is not the best option.

   “Let me tell you, men love their wives, but they don’t know how to fix their relationship problems, and that is why they fell that the best way to fix it is by going outside their marriage to ease it off. Men want it all and have the skewed notion that another woman will make the longing for something more disappear. Then, they can live happily ever after with their wife without their mistress…”,he explained.

Funnily, it may also interest you to know that most of these women lack moral and good upbringing as well. Some don’t know how to approach issues or even talk to their husbands. There are those that don’t even know their roles and obligations towards their husbands. I had a case at hand now, a wife betting with his spouse that since he refused to bring money for food, there will be no sex for him for two weeks.

  According to the man, it has become a regular punishment. Sometimes, this man will be deprived of love and affection for good one month or more. In this situation, what do you think will become his fate tomorrow? Imagine a wife! So, a lot is happening. And women also nag a lot over no issue…”

  Augustine Ibekwe, also voiced out his pains, “women are selfish, stupid, deceitful, betrayers, disrespectful, and cunning enough. They usually like putting up pretences while they are devil’s incarnate. They can never be truthful and trustful. They deserve to be taught a lesson. Do you know i am bittered about women (my wife)? Sorry, it’s quite unfortunate you are a woman. But I will air my view”.

“When I first met my wife (divorced), she claimed to be a virgin. We did not for once come together, as having the taste of each other for two years.  She and her mother kept on persuading me to be fast in our marriage preparation so that another person will not come and take her away from me. To cut the story short, we got married and wedded only for me to discover that she is a ‘pig’. When I asked her, I  couldn’t imagine my ears and thought. I could have continued managing her for she is very good and experienced with what I want. But what worsened the whole matter was, i later discovered she was having an affair with my own very person. I mean my very good friend. So, i divorced her and married another one even though this one is inexperienced. But I prefer it that way than sharing her with someone else. What I normally do is to make it up outside with other women. My present wife is a novice when it comes to sex,” he narrated.

  Ngozi Ekpe, a psychologist, said, “some men flirt because they are struggling with what I call ‘second adolescence’. They cheat on their partners, sneaking around behind their backs, rebelling against the ‘rules’ of a committed partnership. These second adolescents are looking for separation and individuation, but want someone at home to make them feel secure.”

  Sometimes, when you as a woman refuse to give him the emotional care and needs or what’s happening with them on a daily basis anymore, they might try to find someone who appears more interested and excited about them. Men are fragile that in any little chance, they will do otherwise”. Honestly, if your spouse is going after other woman, is because you have denied him of sexual satisfaction in the marriage.

  “Many men may start to feel old and worry that life and adventure is behind them. Because of that, they want a woman who will make them feel young and like they’re at their prime again. That is trying to puff up his self esteem,” Ekpe stated.

   Ify Azubuike, a teacher, noted that “men are polygamous in nature. Naturally, men have this urge to have taste of sleeping with different women. The only thing for those that don’t flirt is not that they don’t have same urge, but are capable of controlling their sexual desire maybe because of their religious background or because of their social status.

Because they know that it is not acceptable in the society or could tarnish their image in the society just like the pastors, clergy, etc. As a woman, you should shut all avenues that will make your spouse go into an affair”, she appealed.

  Ijeoma Egbe, shared her pains, ” I have been married for years and my husband has always been attracted to every beautiful woman and young girls. When we first started dating, I felt uncomfortable at how he gazes at other women in my presence, which made me feel that he wanted more.

He is also into a lot of porn and it is the sites of really young girls that bother me the most. Oftentimes, i find his behavior repulsive. I have chosen not to be going out with him because his way of life with women is disgusting, making me feel like I am not woman enough.

You know how it feels, the pains that a man you love, and hung out with not respecting your presence. Very painful (tears flows out off her eyes)! . If there is a way I am not doing well, is it not left for him to tell me for improvement than embarrassing me even before the public? It hurts. Sometimes, I used to approach him to find out my fault but he wouldn’t give me that audience.

His reason was that I am not good enough in bed. I have pleaded with him time without number. We dated for close to seven years. Then, I was the best for him but now, I used to be surprised as he speaks odd things about me. Only because there was a day I refused to give him a ‘magic mountain pattern’ . I have pleaded with him several times but don’t know what to do again to please him”, she opened up.

   Emeka Ibe also said, “i was seeking something that I was not getting in my marriage. Both times, I was seeking something that I was not getting in my marriage. That is; sex, love, and affection.

The absolute truth is that I could have likely had all the things I was seeking in my affair with my wife. It was a lack of effort and too much old programming that led to me to believe otherwise.” I get it out there. As for her,I don’t border how she feels. After all, I used to provide her with all she desires.

She is not lacking anything. I needed something so different in bed. And I get it out there. You see so many girls out there ready to give it  even at N500 with different styles. Can a woman you have in the house as a wife satisfy you with the ’68’ styls?e The answer is capital no because she will always shy away. But those young girls, who don’t have future and nothing good in life, will do it. I love it ( smiling) more than anything”, he noted.

   Ifeanyi Ebenebe affirmed that he goes out to satisfy his sexual urge because his wife is solely religious. “We had some issues in our relationship that had been slowly pushing us apart. She was steadily becoming more religious, and what we wanted out of our sex life was very different. Based on this, we operate on a long distance relationship. I have no choice than to get it out from some other persons, “he added.

  Women are not left out in the game. A woman shared her reasons to National Light. “I once cheated on my husband to solve my needs. Although, I used to be dissatisfied with his kind of romance and sex patterns even though it was a stable and loving one.

There is always this problem of helping solve one need or the other. But he finds it difficult doing. What I hear is no money, no money. And I flirt around too. So how can no money today sort you out? And he expected me to do all the work in the house with nothing in return.

He wants the marriage going too. So (pause), I decided to keep the marriage and play the game as well. Nothing bad, I stopped bordering him too with my needs,” she funnily said.

  Nebechi Onyekwelu, a stakeholder, maintained that men’s flirting is a “habit from immemorial. Not that their wives are not active but just a habit. It also depends on the kind of man in question.

The person may be the kind of person that likes neatness while his wife will be the dirty type. The man may also be the kind that love one who is intelligent, hard-working, independent, elegant, agile and so on; while the woman is the opposite of the above points. Don’t you see there will be problem?

  “Some men will like somebody that has managerial skills and is business inclined because that may be even what attracted him to come for you. He must have married that woman to help him take his business to the next level.

And when he doesn’t see those qualities again, he moves out in search of it. And that is how it begins. Men hate unorganised women and those that are dirty in and out. Most women don’t take good care of themselves, children and their homes the way it should be. So men go out to seek for consolation through flirting.

  “I want to use this medium to advise women to always look smart, neat, sexy and hot before their men; to always play their roles on bed the way it is supposed to be. They should put away being shy.

Let them always update themselves with the latest styles in vogue because these are the things men look out for. They should avoid giving excuses why they will not have sex; should avoid growing fat, be respectful, mild in their speeches and choice of words.

They should avoid reminding their husbands of their wrong doings or past tenses. If you want to correct him of his wrongs, not in the public and if he is the kind that keeps bad friends, know when best to talk to him about the person and you must give him genuine reasons he must back out from the person”, she stated.

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